I’ve been reading Crankshaft on and off for most of my adult life, and so I of course was well familiar with the eternal struggle between the title character and George Keesterman, whose mailbox Crankshaft routinely destroys with his bus, because he’s dangerously incompetent at his job. For most of this time, I assumed that “Keesterman” was an always off-screen presence à la Maris from Frasier, and it was only a few years ago that I realized he was the guy in Crankshaft’s sad little social circle who wasn’t what’s-his-face, the short guy with the glasses and mustache who owned the old movie theater and ran for mayor. Ralph! That’s it, Ralph. Anyway, this was hard for me to reconcile, because I had always imagined Keesterman to while away his days animated by a white-hot rage against Crankshaft, so why was he spending time with him socially? The answer, I guess, is the typical Funkyversian one, which is that all life is suffering and unhappiness, but today he’s finally decided to have his revenge by dragging one of his only two friends into court in order to ruin him financially. Should make those long breakfasts where they sit around and drink coffee and tip poorly extra awkward! Especially for Ralph.
Dennis the Menace, 8/27/16
Haha, look at Alice’s face in panel one. She knows what’s coming. “Don’t you say it. Don’t you God-damned say it.” But no, he said it, while resting a finger on his chin and looking up with big, innocent eyes. This the most calculating menacing I’ve seen in this strip in months.
It’s day three of Spider-Man getting punched repeatedly in the face and I’m here to report: watching Spider-Man getting punched repeatedly in the face is in fact p-r-e-t-t-y great.
Without any ado whatsoever: your week’s top comment:
“Yeah, white nose syndrome. Shame there’s no cure for it, because after all that time I spent in the caves, I think I caught it. Yup, straight-up zoonotic infection. Maybe I shouldn’t have Eskimo-kissed all those bats, I dunno. Anyway, long story short, my nose is covered with white fungus, I can’t sleep, I’m losing weight even though I’m eating more bugs, and my sonar is all screwed up.” –Voshkod
And your hilarious runners up!
“I like his Archie Andrews beach body.” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook
“‘A simple device making him master of the city’s rooftops!’ promises the lead-in, only to follow it with a story about Spidey using them underground. I feel like this whole episode is intended to be product-placement, and in typical Spidey fashion, they screw it up.” –Briane Pagel
“I think that Spider-Man’s NEXT! box is a reference to the OT proverb, ‘Go to the ant, thou sluggard…’ Is the NEXT! box now quoting scripture to mock Spidey’s laziness? Forget super villains, now the Bible is attacking Spider-Man.” –Stefano
“‘Man, it’d sure be conspicuous if I tackled that thief! Everyone would know I’m Spiderman then! I better do something normal instead, like ejaculate web goo all over the ground to trip him up. Nobody would find that noteworthy in the slightest.’ The sad thing is, Peter may well be right. I’ve been on the New York subway.” –David Schraub
“You just know they take up the top three floors of the building, and one of them is nothing but a giant lazy river for the staff.” –Chuck Baudelaire, on Twitter
“Realistic enough for arm hair, whimsical enough for computer-generated shading: everyone set your laff-o-meter for ‘debilitating stroke.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women
“‘It was too subtle, wasn’t it. Hang on.’ (adds T to sign, ‘PYM ANNTEX’)” –Dan
“Ma Keane wore a mesh bikini to the kiddie pool, and big dark sunglasses to hide her tears and the crow’s feet that makeup barely cover anymore. She stands on the edge of the pool with a beach towel that was chic and in fashion when she bought it four pregnancies ago, but now bears the memories of baby puke, doggie accidents, and a leaky roof that left an orange outline on the bedroom ceiling and a rough spot on the towel from mopping up the water. A mesh bikini is her way of defiantly screaming back into the void, daring it to come for her, terrified that it will. She just wants her youth back, Josh. That’s all. Just for one day. Let her have this.” –Matt Algren, on Facebook
“Dagwood’s weirdest and scariest body modification is forever and always his haircut.” –nescio
“You! Halt!! It appears you dropped your passport!!! Here you go!!!! Enjoy your day!!!!! Every time I talk I add an exclamation!!!!!! I don’t know why my wife stays married to me!!!!!!!” –Chareth Cutestory
“Halt! No musical numbers allowed!” –Dragon of Life
“The retractable disco ball was an expensive addition to the lab and Ant-Man will be damned if it is used for anything less than an office party.” –Kevin on Earth
“What a great night’s sleep! I even woke up!” –Ettore
“Les looks sad and sympathetic on the outside, but inwardly he’s already trying to come up with a title for his new traged-ography. ‘Let’s see… The Silence of the Bulls? …Slow Decline on the 50 Yard Line? …Almost As Sad As Lisa (But Not Quite)?’” –pugfuggly
“Everyone is rolling their eyes at all of this, but I, for one, welcome this development. In fact, I’d like to see more cast members come down with untreatable, progressive, and most of all painful — to themselves and/or the people around them — conditions such as Bull apparently suffers from. Funky can learn that he didn’t quit in time and that his liver is shutting down! Comic Book John can learn that over the years he has inhaled fatal quantities of carcinogenic ink! Les can learn that he has a muscular disease that causes his face to twist into a rictus at the proper stimulus, and that will progress until a mere bad pun threatens to make his entire head twist off of his body!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box
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Funky Winkerbean, 8/26/16
Haha, whoops, looks like I was wrong about Bull’s death being swift and merciful! Nope, it seems we’re in for a long, drawn-out tale of our least favorite retroactively-semi-redeemed bully slowly succumbing to early onset Alzheimer’s, which I diagnose not as a doctor but as someone who over the years has become finely attuned to the sort of misery the Funkyverse dishes out. And is that … a hint of domestic violence in the final panel? Oh, this is going to be a hate-read for the ages, everybody.
Beetle Bailey, 8/26/16
General Halftrack has of course been pickling his brain in alcohol for years, so his incipient dementia isn’t the least bit of a dramatic reveal. I’m more concerned about whatever terrifying website Miss Blips is loading up in the background with its angry wolf splash screen. Best-case scenario is that it’s some kind of S&M wolf furry fetish site; I’m actually worried she’s joined a white supremacist militia and that, safe in the knowledge that her boss has checked out mentally, she’s now just openly browsing its message board at work.