Beetle Bailey, 3/8/14
Saturdays in Beetle Bailey are for the grandiosely dysfunctional Halftrack marriage; today’s installment at least has something resembling mean-spirited cheer compared to some of the more frankly traumatizing examples we’ve seen. Anyway, I’m not sure what interpretation here is more unsettling: that Mrs. Halftrack is desperate for sexual validation and doesn’t know what “person of interest” means and, as revenge for everything, the general refuses to tell her, or that Mrs. Halftrack and the local constabulary have some weird erotic roleplay going on and she’s rubbing it in her husband’s face.
Hi and Lois, 3/8/14
Still, today’s Hi and Lois wins the coveted award for Most Chilling Marital Misanthropy In A Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC Strip. I’m genuinely impressed by the attention to detail shown in panel one, in which Irma has the key to her husband’s basement prison casually dangling from her wrist. “She’ll let us out in a few hours!” Thirsty proclaims cheerfully, not realizing the he will never see the sun again.
Judge Parker, 3/8/14
Yes, the invention of armed, remote-controlled unmanned drones raises troubling questions about the future of armed conflict and the ability of hegemonic states to prosecute low-intensity warfare against non-state actors largely in secret, without expending much by way of blood or treasure. But if this technological advance leads to the insufferable Parkers being blown to bits by a remotely launched Predator missile, couldn’t we say that it was all, in the end, worthwhile?
Hey, remember when I did a Kickstarter to write a novel? Whatever happened with that? Well, if you’d like an update, I posted one. Short version: book by the end of November! I hope!
And now, your comment of the week:
“From somewhere deep in the infernal bowels of the Underframe, Tommie’s deer is filled with the satisfaction of a job well done. No more will this ‘Jim’ steal my thunder, it thinks. Now my thunder has stolen HIM.” –Guts Dozier
And the very funny runners up!
“Remember back when we all used to complain that Judge Parker himself never appeared in his own strip? How I miss those days.” –John C Fremont
“‘I don’t know really what an editor does, Daddy!’ Yes, your atrocious syntax bears that out, Sarah.” –Doctor Handsome
“I’m having a difficult time thinking of something less likely to aid digestion than a walk with Wilbur.” –nescio
“Think the front of Montoni’s stinks? Check out the alley.” –Écureuil Écumant
“Oh, Brawny Towel Guy, how are we ever going to clean up these spilled liquids!” –Chareth Cutestory
“Poor Rose. She not only has to break the news about Jim’s gruesome death to Tommie, which was totally Tommie’s fault, but Rose now has to explain the theory of flight, why planes crash and people die, why bad things happen to good people. The poor old thing is in for a long, long conversation and at the end of it, Tommie is just as likely to reply ‘But Jim and I are still getting married, right?’” –Gabacho
“I don’t normally praise the art in Family Circus (as it should go without saying), but the expression on the father’s face is perfect. That moment of realization that the kid’s not joking, she really doesn’t get that the book represents a static, unchanging story, that it’s not going to change every time. A mingled shock, sadness, and disappointment. This is my legacy, this is the rotten fruit of my seed.” –Voshkod
“Nope! I’m really inside this thi– oh, I see. My face is outside the helmet. Yeah, I have absolutely no idea how this suit works. Better not use a flash on that photo, just in case” –Dan
Judge Parker: “They’re all I have left in the world. Well, besides this giant compound, my large staff of assistants and mercenaries, the millions in drug money and my warehouse of looted art. But that’s all going to the tarantula, of course.” –pugfuggly
“I can imagine Mark [Trail]’s daily life. Mark: ‘Hey, Socket Wrench, can you fix my car today?’ SW: ‘Sorry, Mark, I’m booked up for weeks. You’ll have to make an appointment.’ Mark: ‘Sure seems odd that Socket Wrench is a mechanic but didn’t want to fix my car for me.’ SW: ‘I’m standing right here.’” –Cloudbuster
“Better get used to this, dear. Now that you’re going to be a Parker, people will constantly be giving you valuables.” –Digger
“‘How does it make you feel?’ ‘We’re proprietors of a fixed-cost-heavy operation in a low-income area. We need volume to turn a profit. We may be forced to buy a new truck to take on even more fixed cost. Our whole family works here. If we go broke, we have no second income to support us. Look at these bills. Look at the empty seats in front of you. If it weren’t for Token White Guy coming in for a punchline, we’d have gone under years ago. We need a joke setup with multiple customers fast. How does THAT make YOU feel??” –hogenmogen
Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.
Judge Parker, 3/7/14
April’s dad may be an amoral arms merchant who deals with ex-Romanian secret police and has a “retirement fund” made up entirely of blood diamonds, but at least he likes Judge Parker Senior’s terrible book, which puts him one step above the real monsters: liberal Ivy League college professors.
Heathcliff only loves his owner-family for financial reasons.
Herb and Jamaal, 3/7/14
Herb has been having sex with the restaurant’s catering truck for years, but is now starting to question his auto-monogamy.
Pluggers’ electronics are covered with more disgusting slobber and drool than you can imagine.