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Putting a dog in roller skates is animal cruelty, straight up

Beetle Bailey, 4/24/14

Did Sarge just claim that our nation’s military is nothing more than a bunch of clowns? I’m sure I’m wildly misconstruing whatever baffling joke the strip is attempting here, but if slanderously asserting that America’s only military-themed comic strip just insulted our heroes is what it takes to get it pulled from newspapers nationwide and finally putting an end to its penchant for horrifying clown depictions, then I’m not going to feel any shame about it.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/24/14

You know, auditory hallucinations get a bad rap! You only hear about them when they do awful things, like order their sufferers to kill. But sometimes they only make whimsical suggestions, like “Hey, wouldn’t it be a pretty good idea to sleep in a laundromat?”

It’s not even an “old” enraged bear, he means business

Pluggers, 4/23/14

I certainly don’t begrudge the Pluggers creative team their occasional week off to run Plugger Classics, as I’m sure depicting honest, hard-working Americans making do the best they can as freakish man-animals gets exhausting after a while. I am a little unsettled by today’s vague double entendre, which may be intended to dovetail with the whole “spring break” theme. However, if Friday’s installment is “PLUGGERS GONE WILD” and features the pluggers casting off their clothes, cars, and other anthropomorphic aspects and just straight up going at each other like predator and prey, I’ll be willing to forgive a lot.

Mark Trail, 4/23/14

Speaking of predators and prey, new-school Mark Trail not only loves his wife but engages in straight-up combat with enraged bears. ALL HAIL THE NEW ORDER.

Abbott loves it when a plan comes together

Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/14

Welp, at last, Jess has solved the mystery of why her father was murdered. It’s not just because he was a dick that nobody liked; it’s because one of the people to whom he was a dick disliked him so much that he decided he deserved to be killed. Shouldn’t she be filming this or something?

Judge Parker, 4/22/14

Hahaha, remember when Abbott gave April a bunch of diamonds of mysterious provenance? Well, apparently they were a wedding present for Randy (a dowry, maybe?), and also bait to lure the Gardia brothers into a firefight they can’t win, and, well, if Randy gets killed in the crossfire while April safely wanders around the jungle looking for Katherine, then I don’t think too many people are going to lose sleep over that, do you?

Apartment 3-G, 4/22/14

Oh, man, I love that Tommie is just holding the phone away from her head as Margo launches into her freakout. “Not coming home – I don’t undersand. What’s going on?! Who’s going to cook me dinner?!? I’m getting hungry! Tommie? Tommie?

Gil Thorp, 4/22/14

In case you’re wondering what’s going on with wacky klutzy Lucky Haskins and Amy Lange: Lucky has convinced Amy that she can improve her luck by rubbing his head. That isn’t a euphemism for anything, though as you can see here their encounters are suffused with a certain queasy eroticism.

Spider-Man, 4/22/14

Good news, everyone! Spider-Man and “Iron Jonah” aren’t going to be killed by plummeting into the arch in Washington Square Park because they’ve been saved by Iron Man at the last minute. Since the whole point of this crisis was that Jonah was going too fast and any impact would leave him smeared all over the inside of that outdated Iron Man suit, I’m not sure how Iron Man SLAMMing into him at full speed is really much of a solution, but any denouement in which Spidey’s rescue attempt is upstaged by another, better superhero is OK with me.

Heathcliff, 4/22/14

Heathcliff and his ex-con dad have trained an army of bee henchmen! Nobody can touch them now.