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C’mon, Jughead doesn’t care about food quality

Apartment 3-G, 3/30/15

I’m reasonably sure that we haven’t met Carla before, but I assume from context that this latest Apartment 3-G character who looks kind of like, but is not, Lu Ann is Margo’s assistant? Anyway, the hand that Carla is gently resting on Margo’s collarbone rekindles prospects of Margo/Margo’s assistant sexytimes for all of us who finally gave up on the Sargo pairing. “You don’t have to demean me … but you could, if you wanted to as part of consensual dom/sub workplace roleplay.” Either that or Carla’s about to strangle her, one of the two.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/30/15

Speaking of workplace dominance, I am getting more excited about Nurse Carter’s apocalyptic arrival on the Morgan clinic scene by the day. “Yeah, I spent years in the DESERT getting HUMAN BLOOD all over me when I was UP TO MY ELBOWS in the GUTS of young people who got BLOWN UP for your FREEDOM to not use a FUCKING NAPKIN when you eat a SANDWICH, so we’re cool, don’t worry about it.”

Archie, 3/30/15

Man, Jughead sure looks awfully smug in that final panel. “Haha, this sure is a savage zinger that I didn’t even dare speak aloud, even though I’m miles away from the school cafeteria and its staff. I’m dying, bit by bit!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/15

Hey, are you vaguely aware of bitcoin, the distributed cryptocurrency that very few people care about but the ones who do care about it care about it a lot and won’t shut up about it? Were you wondering when it would stop being a thing? Well, good news, it’s a punchline in Snuffy Smith, so I’m pretty sure it’s officially not a thing anymore.

Crankshaft, 3/30/15

In today’s Crankshaft, Crankshaft’s saddest friend has a flat tire! That’s … the joke?

Here’s your ring back, lady, hope you don’t mind the bird spit

Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/15

This isn’t the first time Funky Winkerbean has used “Nordic” as a euphemism for “clinically depressed.” “I think following that couple through those movies is a lot of fun.” “Yeah, you know what else is a lot of fun? Thinking about how everybody dies and none of us escape.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/29/15

“Slylock helped the bird cough it up.” Haha, how much of Slylock’s job consists of him rooting around the gullets of semi-sapient animals who’ve accidentally eaten some valuable object or piece of evidence? “I’ll just, uh, be over here holding this nice lady’s purse,” says Max.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/29/15

Oh hey I haven’t talked about it at all but there’s been this whole other non-Sarah non-mob storyline about Nurse Becka who got a black eye from maybe falling into a dresser in the middle of an argument with her cheating husband and then abruptly quit her job and left town, so now we’ve got her replacement … Nurse Carter! Nurse Carter is here to clean up this operation. Literally. This operation is covered with mayonnaise. It’s pretty disgusting.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 3/29/15

“In my day, during the long, anarchic regency for the child Emperor Of All Space Glorbax IX, we didn’t need a video game to raid the galaxy! We just went down to the Star Docks, found the most disreputable ship’s captain we could spot, swore a blood oath to defend his ship’s honor, and then launched into the lightly guarded Outer Rim systems! The Galactic Peacekeepers were thin on the ground out there, so we could bomb whole cities into submission, load up our cargo bay with the valuables we salvaged from the smoking ruins, and then headed to the Market Zone, where nobody asked any questions. Sometimes we’d even ensl — er, wait, no, I mean, uh, we played some dumb kangaroo game, here on Earth, where I’ve lived my whole life, yeah, that’s it.”

Genuinely love how not cool grandma is with this

Apartment 3-G, 3/28/15

I guess I’ve sort of resigned myself to the notion that Apartment 3-G is now a perpetually vague dreamscape where odd things blandly happen for no particular reason and subject to no human logic. Anyway, is Margo’s ex-boyfriend Greg still James Bond? Is Eon Productions starting production of the next Bond film without announcing the lead actor, even to his co-stars? Will Bond just be inserted into the movie in post-production, via the same advanced green-screen technology that allowed the Owen Wilson-voiced Marmaduke to hit William H. Macy in the nuts, twice? Has Skyler just answered a Craigslist ad for a “Bond movie” that will turn out to be a porn shoot? Stay tuned!

Pluggers, 3/28/15

Wait, is a wrinkle mustache just when your upper lip gets so wrinkly it looks mustache-y? Does this only happen to pluggers? Or do only plugger grandchildren dare to be so rude to their elders?

Mark Trail, 3/28/15

Oh wow so you think big government is going to take care of our beetle problem, huh? NO THANKS LIB!!!!!!!!