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Proxy war

Beetle Bailey, 4/19/15

Never mind the deceptively delicate “sent to look for dangerous things” mission description — this is a hardened, deadly battle-drone that forces Beetle to reveal himself as a pacifist shirker or die. Deftly, Beetle inserts a brief viral message into the drone’s code, a vision of happy indolence — to live in the midst of an army, yet be far removed from the exertions and terrors of war. The drone is immediately and completely disarmed. Asymmetric warfare, indeed!

Beetle is thus exposed as a subversive menace and an imminent threat to our armed forces. I’m counting on Sarge to crush him. At least a couple times, this week.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/19/15

Say, didn’t we just finish “petulant writer gets the chance of a lifetime in Hollywood and whines about it the whole time”? Why yes we did. So why are we sending in the B team? And will we never, ever be free of Starbuck Jones? Didn’t John Carter teach Hollywood that old-timey science fiction is a bore and a money pit?

I do like the “handsome actor drives around mumbling incoherently” bit, although that car should definitely be a Lincoln.

Prince Valiant, 4/19/15

Nearing home, Aleta reflects, “Sure, girls, you can always enslave your enemies. But take it from Mom, it’s much easier just to straight-up crucify them. Oops ha-ha, I mean ‘peg’ them to ‘posts.’”

Val thinks, “Uh-oh, wife’s in one of her moods again. Hmm, maybe I can help out in the galley for a while.”

– Uncle Lumpy

What’s in a name?

Dick Tracy, 4/18/15

Long experience tells me that when an odd name like ABE ONGO shows up in Dick Tracy, it’s probably an anagram. I’m going with “BEAN GOO.”

And aww, Dick has tender feelings about old-timey public libraries. Let’s see if they survive his trudge past racks of DVDs and cadres of porn-surfers, searching in vain for anything that remotely resembles a book. Hey, Dick, get with the times — it’s a library, not a museum.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/15

Writers are saints, producers are monsters, and readers are fools. Enjoy your treasured Funky Winkerbean comic strip, ladies and gentlemen!

Marvin, 4/18/15

I sure hope this isn’t a crossover, because I do not need Ed Crankshaft poop jokes.

Hi there! Josh is off on his annual Southwestern sojourn, so I’m sitting in until the 28th. You can reach me at if you encounter any site issues. Enjoy!

–Uncle Lumpy

Metapost: I’m outta here COTW

Augh! Guys, apologies, but here’s a kind of truncated COTW post — been a crazy last couple days and haven’t harvested as many as usual. Still, this one’s pretty funny?

Frogs can’t grow hair. The feminine eyelashes are false, put in to adhere to the Easily Identifiable Animal Genders act of 1947.” –Enlong

And so are these runners up!

“I like how the Perfesser breaks the fourth wall there, staring directly at the reader. ‘My misery is your entertainment. Laugh it up now because soon you’ll be the one in the chair.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“If anyone’s starting an ‘Abbey Raises An Eyebrow’ Tumblr, today’s your lucky day. CONTENT JACKPOT.” –Dan

‘Ooops … It slipped!’ [Blonde bully girl character keys car] ‘Still slipping!’ [Pokes out tires] ‘My hands are very sweaty today!’ [Begins to stab Kelly and chauffeur repeatedly in stomachs]” –Jack loves comics

‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Wood’ is exactly the sort of thing a giant Emerald Ash Borer hiding inside a human lady skin would say.” –Jym the Wildlife Man

“Ralph is going to send a message to the city’s politicians: your assumption that the people of this city are apathetic and powerless and can be safely ignored is entirely accurate.” –Nekrotzar

“Our plugger friend here doesn’t even has his computer turned on. That’s how much of a shit he doesn’t give about this job. The people on the Pistachio Advisory Council will certainly fire him after they learn of this.” –Joe Blevins

“What the hell does a plugger tweet about? ‘Remember when we used to call twitter the bathroom wall?’ and ‘Just found out what Lovin’ Spoonful really meant & it’s not coffee grouds.Yuck LOL’ and ‘Just ate ham sammidge, contemplated own mortality.’” –Lily Sincere

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