Your somewhat truncated comments of the week are coming up, but first! As I mentioned earlier, I have been nominated for Best Humor Blog at the 2008 Weblog awards! As I discovered when I rocketed to the top of the list in the hot blogger competition, these things are all about setting your minions free to stuff the ballots, and luckily for all of you itching to do so, the polls are now open! Go, vote early and often! (I’m not advocating fraud; you really are allowed to vote once every 24 hours for as long as the polls are open, which will be for another week.)

But this blog isn’t the only nominee near and dear to my hearts! You may also find it in you to cast votes for the following:

• Wonkette, for which (if you don’t know) I write a weekly column about political cartoons, has been nominated for Best Liberal Blog.
• Sally Forth writer/faithful reader Ces Marciuliano’s online comic offering, Medium Large, has been nominated for Best Comic Strip.
• Faithful reader Alex Blaze’s Bilerco Project has been nominated for LGBT blog.

At some point in the next 24 hours or so I will try to figure out how to put a graphic up top that will REMIND YOU TO VOTE FOR ME AND CES AND ALEX REPEATEDLY. And hey, if there are faithful readers out there who have also been nominated (fully possible, as there are like a gazillion categories), just let me know and I will shamelessly promote you.

On a less fun note: A couple of readers have written me with reports of odd redirects and pop-up windows when visiting this site. I am trying to figure out of these are isolated incidents or possibly indicative of more serious problems with my server. So please e-mail me or chime in the comments if you’ve run into similar problems. (UPDATE: I have now removed some recently added ads that may be the source of the problem. Please let me know if you continue to see these nefarious pop-ups.)

And now: your comment of the week!

“I really can’t think of a single plot I’ve read in Spider-Man that couldn’t have used a ‘special note to perplexed readers’. Personally I could have used notes like ‘that is a magic spider-sense resistant brick’, ‘that fat guy is tougher than he looks’, and especially ‘yes, Peter really is too stupid to remember he is walking around with full length underwear on during the summer.’” –rhymes with puck

And the runners up! Also hilarious!

“I believe Brooke has built himself the largest Suspension Bridge of Disbelief in the world, starting with a priggish teenage dancer who also just happens to be an accomplished pianist, who is paired with a geeky boy cellist who can manage to kiss his girlfriend despite the fact that neither of them have chins. After all that, showing a former parochial school couple capable of having hand-sex that inspires the world just sort of falls into place on the bridge.” –True Fable

“When I first saw the Gasoline Alley Christmas Greeting strip, I thought I should cut it out and attach it to a whiskey bottle. Then I realized I didn’t own any whiskey cheap enough. In the end, I found a used bottle that once contained generic diet cola, glued on the December 25 strip, and filled it with gasoline. If you drink enough of that, Gasoline Alley suddenly starts to make sense. That happens right before you go blind, which can also improve Gasoline Alley.” –Adjuster

“Meanwhile, in Mark Trail, our latest facial hair sporter comes across a dead animal, a development which despite being entirely expected in a swamp full of people who kill animals for fun, still seems to surprise him. Or maybe he’s just angry he wasn’t there for the good part.” –gogiggs

“So is the big Spider-Man change just that every day, there will be a text box explaining that there is a big change?” –Anne

“Spider-Man/ Spider-Man/ Shunted into the/ Past by Stan/ He was trapped/ Now he’s free!/ He loves Aunt/ May’s T.V./ Let’s watch/ Cable with Spider-Man!” –Angry Kem

“The next surprise in Spider-Man will come on Feb. 17, when analog television broadcasting is turned off. Spider-Man will spend the rest of the year trying to find out what happened — assuming of course, you consider sitting in front of the television, looking at static, and yelling at it a form of trying to find out what happened.” –Worthinator

“I think this marks a bold new direction for the strip. Ditch the costumed crime-fighting angle. That wasn’t working anyway. Now the strip will be about how Peter Parker dozes off every couple of weeks and awakes to find himself in a different historical era with different tentative plans for his midday meals.” –Joe Blevins

“I’m hoping that Sam is followed around by large, tangible sound effects for the rest of his miserable days. They can change according to his mood and the moods of those around him, which generally will mean the air being filled with repetitions of the words ‘DISAPPOINTED SIGH’, on most occasions.” –richbachelor

“I know this should really go without saying, but I hate Mary Worth. She’s so infuriated by the thought of a stranger being able to raise his own child without her input that it’s actually causing her neck pain. Next up for Mary: a Vicodin and Flexeril addiction and the inability to urinate that comes with it.” –bitter law student

“Even as a child, I thought the way Blondie and Dagwood’s chairs were arranged (so that she never has to see whatever disgusting, food-based perversions he finds on late-night cable) was unspeakably depressing. It’s like they used to have separate dens, until a ‘marriage counselor’ with ‘new ideas’ suggested that they spend more time together. This almost, sort-of, counts.” –Sarah

“I’d say Beetle Bailey is about to retcon himself back to college, but without a third panel explicitly saying so I can’t be certain.” –Comrade Denny

“Attracting Mark’s Attention In Ten Easy Steps. Chapter 1. Wrong: I hope he notices I’ve changed my hair. Right: I hope he notices I’ve groomed my pelt.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

I must give a hearty thank you to everyone who’s put cash in tip jar! And our advertisers know how a clean election is run:

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Mark Trail, 1/5/09

With yet another Mark-spurns-a-pretty-non-wife-lady plotline behind us, it looks as if Mark Trail is finally going to touch the third rail of Mark Trail storytelling, by tackling the pretty wife-lady whose advances Mark also routinely spurns. Cherry is so worked up that she’s dispensed with her usual polo shirt and put on a sexy pink robe that’s allowing us to see her collarbone. “I hope he notices that I’ve changed my hair again!” she says, as she gingerly touches the vaguely rearranged curls perched upon her unnaturally large skull and stares at nothing in particular with her horrifying pink eyes. All the while, she’s thinking about her plans to fall on Mark and ravish him the moment he walks in the door, like an owl grabbing a mouse in its razor-sharp talons and tearing it to bits with its beak, only hotter, and with Mark maybe not being killed at the end.

Meanwhile, Doc is thinking “I hope he notices that I’ve paired up this baby blue cardigan with my orange shirt! I think the color combo really does wonders for me!” But he’s too shy to say this aloud, so he just stands there smoking his pipe, and waiting.

Beetle Bailey, 1/5/09

As you may or may not know, for the first six months of its 58-year existence, Beetle Bailey was actually a college strip, following the antics of Beetle and his fraternity brothers; then, one day in March of 1951, Beetle spotted the two girls he was dating both heading towards him simultaneously, ducked into an Army recruiting office to escape, and has been in the military ever since as the subject of some kind of terrifying black-ops time-freezing experiment. The draft has ended and he completed his term of service decades ago, so technically he can leave whenever he wants; however, as his totally neat and keen outfit today suggests, the still twenty-year-old Beetle is completely unequipped to deal with modern collegiate life, with its Facebooks and casual sex and kids wearing flip-flops in the dead of winter for some reason. He will no doubt go crawling back to his captors at the Defense Department’s Chrono-Retardation Corps soon enough.

Crock, 1/5/09

Today’s Crock is actually a philosophical masterpiece of metanarration. Poor Figowitz’s whole purpose for existence in the world of the strip is to be an unlovable sad sack; by deciding to abandon his deepest essence and force his features into a grin, he unravels the very fabric of his universe and brings everything in it — that is, the strip Crock — to an end, plunging his world into inky nothingness. This is intriguing from a metaphysical standpoint, and heartening in that it implies that Crock will cease to exist and we won’t have to read it anymore. If we’re really lucky, the universe-collapse will also occur along the time axis, eliminating the past of the strip and our memories of ever having read it.

Mary Worth, 1/4/09

While Mary Worth has always left a trail of shattered lives behind her, this is one of the first instances I can remember of Mary actually doing battle with someone else for the right to own, meddle in, and destroy a third party’s soul. I love the way that Mary pairs her figurative reflection with looking at her actual reflection. The high stakes of her meddle-war with Frank is indicated by the fact that she’s furiously thought-ballooning about Lynn all the while, when normally she’d just be thinking “There, my bouffant’s surface is perfect, once again. Aren’t I the prettiest?”

Incidentally, the fact that we can see Mary’s reflection rules out certain kinds of undead beings, for those trying to figure out exactly what sort of hellspawn walks the earth known as “Mary Worth.” Meanwhile, in the first panel of the bottom row, Frank’s eyes are beginning to glow red, as he draws strength from his demon master for the final conflict.

Crock, 1/4/09

During the 19th and early 20th centuries, the Algerian population was unable to resist French imperialism militarily, so they were forced to fight back with more devious methods. For instance, one Foreign Legion garrison was lulled into the pleasant haze of hashish addiction by the locals, then wiped out to the man when the batch delivered for New Years celebrations was poisoned.

Family Circus, 1/4/09

Barfy the dog is apparently unable to distinguish between a round-headed lump with an eternal dumb grin on its face and not a single thought in its head and a snowman.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/4/09

This panel shows a way that Snuffy Smith could become relevant to modern audiences: by highlighting the health dangers of meth addiction, which is so sadly prevalent in America’s rural suspender-wearing communities.

Blondie, 1/3/09

Ah yes, “this” — by which we are surely meant to understand the first week of January — truly is everyone’s very favorite time of year! What with the lingering resentment towards one’s family after too many hours spent in close quarters with them, the need to box up all the Christmas decorations and figure out how on earth to dispose of the tree, the grim prospect of returning to work or school after an extended absence, the arrival of the first round of credit card bills with holiday gift purchases on them, the radical diets undertaken after the horrifying results from the first venture onto the scale in weeks … why, there’s just nothing not to like about it! That the Bumsteads have time for parties and get-togethers in the midst of all this is a tribute to their sandwich and/or meth-fueled stamina.

You know, it’s almost as if this strip, published on the first day of the NFL playoffs, were originally written when pro football’s regular season was shorter and the playoffs really did coincide with the holiday season. The last year that was the case was 1982, when the strip was a mere 52 years old. But the thought that Blondie might just be repackaging strips written years ago is obviously laughable.

Curtis, 1/3/09

Curtis Kwanzaa stories will now forever be judged against 2007’s glowing telepathic otter, and while the Three Unpleasant Maidens Who Are Jealous Of Some Other Maiden’s Magic Water Jug has been dullsville so far, things have undeniably picked up today, as they vomit out increasingly horrifying nightmare visions after drinking out of said magic jug. If the three-eyed frogs and baseball-sized spiders (side note: would these ancient Africans even know how big a baseball is?) rise up to devour our nosey trio, who, after all, only wanted in on an apparently unlimited fresh water supply in a society that doesn’t have indoor plumbing, this will certainly be the most gruesome Kwanzaa yet. Perhaps “mind-numbing terror” should be added as the holiday’s eighth guiding principle.

Judge Parker, 1/3/09

Ah, check out stone-faced Sam in today’s final panel. Just another crazed, murderous stripper shouting “I was dead a long time ago!” as she commits suicide by cop, charging knife first into a hail of automatic weapons fire. If you’re Sam Driver, it’s just another thing to drop a few ironic, detached witticisms about before heading off to the next adventure. The man is such a joy.

9 Chickweed Lane, 1/3/08

9 Chickweed Lane readers, when opening their papers and/or Web browsers Monday and discovering a strip that does not revolve around this endless Belgian cello competition and/or fucking, will come to the logical conclusion that the story has in fact ended with a triumphant Edda killing and devouring Amos right there on stage. To those pleased by such a development, I must temper your satisfaction by pointing you to this.

Spider-Man, 1/2/09

If there’s one thing you have to respect Spider-Man for, it’s its recognition of its own narrative limitations. A strip with more self-confidence might try to weave a coherent storyline, dropping crucial bits of information in expository dialog that’s been carefully tailored to seem natural, to establish the changed dramatic milieu. But the Spider-Man newspaper strip would fail utterly at that, obviously, so instead it just keeps interrupting itself every few panels to shriek “THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FOR REASONS RELATED TO THE COMIC BOOK, WHICH YOU DON’T READ! ISN’T IT AWESOME AND INTRIGUING?” at you.

By the way, contrary to anything the final panel might have you believe, there will be absolutely no surprises in store in the Spider-Man newspaper strip ever again, or at least not until it makes another arbitrary time/profession/relationship jump eighteen months after something vaguely similar happens in the comic books. “Now Spidey is divorced, working as a systems analyst, and living in Bay Ridge! He’s still a putz, though.”

Marvin, 1/2/08

I have no idea why Marvin, who revels in his non-potty-trained status, is in this grim death-line to the now-extended family’s single toilet. Presumably he’s going to wait until everyone starts feeling really uncomfortable due to nature’s call, then crap in his pants, just because he can.

Apartment 3-G, 1/2/09

It was probably inevitable that the Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly For Tommie’s Love would eventually devolve into The Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly In Which Each Attempts To Fob Tommie’s Love Off Onto The Other.

Ziggy, 1/2/09

Jeez, Ziggy, you’re looking awful mopey there for someone whose pharmacist is scoring him some prescription medication for recreational use. Try to make an effort, huh?

Hello, everybody! I’m back from my long journey northeastward, re-ensconced in my Baltimore lair, and ready for more comics mockery in 2009! I hope you all had good holiday celebrations of your choice. The question arises, as it does every year, as to just what soap strip offered the weirdest holiday greeting on Christmas day. The contenders:

Mary Worth, 12/25/08

Mary Worth shoehorned in a barely-readable one-line bit of good cheer into the second panel. This served as a depressing counterpoint to Mary’s turn as good cop to Frank’s bad cop in the determined effort to Keep Lynn Skating No Matter What.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/08

Rex Morgan, M.D., served up a heartfelt tribute to our troops serving overseas, a vanishingly small percentage of whom have the time or inclination to read Rex Morgan, M.D. Is that supposed to be Rex in the Santa hat in panel one, and if so, why is he so grim-faced? Shouldn’t the presence of all that hot man-meat in uniform cheer him up, just a little?

Gasoline Alley, 12/25/08

And finally, Gasoline Alley published an excellent template of a nice design that you can get tattooed across your chest or shoulders if you join a particularly festive and holiday-oriented gang.

But the real present came a couple of days later:

Mark Trail, 12/27/08

You know, too few vigilantes are willing to go the extra mile anymore by shouting “SURPRISE!” at their bearded prey while tackling them. The world is poorer for the loss of those sorts of details.

And hey, I’d be remiss if I ignored BIG DOINGS AFOOT IN SPIDER-MAN LAND!

Spider-Man, 12/31/08-1/1/09

OH MY GOODNESS WHAT COULD THE BIG CHANGES THIS WALL OF TEXT HAS PROMISED US BE??? Instead of watching TV and whining to his wife about how much money she makes, Peter is sleeping in and letting his aged aunt cater to his every need. SO THRILLING!!! I seem to recall some sort of thing in the Spidey comic books involving MJ and … a deal with the devil? Maybe? So they got retroactively satanic-divorced or something? I don’t actually read the Spider-Man comic books, but I recall a lot of people complaining about it, so I hope that bringing this thrilling plot development to the Spider-Man newspaper strip manages to make said comic strip even lamer, in ways I never dreamed possible.

Unlike Spider-Man, I promise you exactly nothing new for 2009. I’ve pretty much figured out my thing and you’ll keep reading it and liking it! As long as they still print newspapers and still print comic strips in those newspaper, I’ll be here, so, if current trends hold true, you should have a good 18 months of this site left to enjoy.

Oh, and finally: my site has been nominated for the Best Humor Blog category at the Weblog Awards! Holy crap! Don’t worry, I’ll be plastering links everywhere when voting starts in a few days. And Ces Marciuliano’s Medium Large was similarly nominated in the Best Comic Strip categories. Stretch your ballot-stuffing muscles!