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Largely soapy Monday

Apartment 3-G, 10/20/14

Well, this is certainly the most shocking development in Apartment 3-G in some time: during Tommie’s multi-month absence, Margo hasn’t gotten bored and come up some new vaguely aspirational business plan, but has instead continued to be a publicist when the plot demands it! You might remember Skyler as the young starlet who Margo’s employee/sex slave/secret enemy Evan flirted with so that Margo would refuse to take her on as a client. Skyler used to be a brunette and then had black hair and now is a blonde, which is par for the course for actresses, I suppose. Less realistic is that she’s wearing a shapeless pink sweatshirt, or that she now looks more or less exactly like Lu Ann, or that Margo is a good enough publicist that anyone would try to hire her after she cruelly rejected them for no good reason.

Mark Trail, 10/20/14

Since this is Mark Trail, it’s a safe bet that the folks on TV here are aggrieved over some kind of nature or environmental issue, which makes me even angrier that, in an age of rapidly shrinking journalism budgets, Woods And Wildlife Magazine can still afford a high-rise office for its wholly out of touch top editor. Still, Bill Ellis’s uncanny resemblance to LBJ has never been more appropriate than it is here, as he smirks with hooded eyes at some damn hippies protesting on his television set.

Judge Parker, 10/20/14

Just in time for Halloween, and then for the seven to fourteen months after halloween: as darkness falls, the Parker-Driver clan is going to drive the Road Queen into a spooky, abandoned RV park! How many chainsaw-weilding murderers will be lurking there, and how much money will our heroes get as a reward when they arrange for those maniacs to be captured by the local police, with very little effort on their part?

Family Circus, 10/20/14

Remember the innocent days when the Keane Kids would cheerfully blame their transgressions on adorable ghost-things “Not Me” and “Ida Know”? Well, that’s all over now. Reality has set in. The kids know that nobody buys that crap anymore. One of them is going to have to take the fall. The question is: who? This will only be settled by an ugly outbreak of violence.

Beetle Bailey, 10/20/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because Beetle is injured and writhing in agony and begging Sarge to drive more carefully, which Sarge callously refuses to do! But the real joke is that all those injuries were almost certainly inflicted by Sarge in the first place.

Sunday quickies

Better Half, 10/19/14

Once again, the Sunday Better Half panels offer variations on a theme! Let’s see: marital whimsy, marital whimsy, marital whimsy, marital whimsy, OH MY GOD STANLEY AND HARRIET ARE DROWNING IN DEBT AND GOING BANKRUPT, THIS IS TERRIBLE, THEY CAN’T EVEN AFFORD LEGAL REPRESENTATION, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO

Mary Worth, 10/19/14

Haha, never mind, Mary’s not going to marry Hanna off, she’s just going to put her in a home, as I originally predicted. Sorry, Hanna, but when you signed that Charterstone lease you gave Mary power of medical attorney! Should’ve read the fine print!

Funky Winkerbean, 10/19/14

In case you were wondering if Les still spends every day in dread of the looming spectre of death: Les still spends every day in dread of the looming spectre of death.

“Plus he could just give Hanna’s pills to her directly! Win-win!”

Hi and Lois, 10/18/14

Hi and Lois wraps up its nostalgia week on a particularly grim note. “Remember when you used to be able to yell at people and make them do what you want, instead of just putting a credit card into a machine and seething with ambient, targetless rage?”

Mary Worth, 10/18/14

“Could all of these problems just go away if I just tricked her into marrying this distinguished- and not-too-cadaverous-looking pharmacist? Yes! His glasses aren’t that thick, so he can surely still drive safely! Mary, you’ve done it again!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/18/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because Loweezy’s only context for weaning her baby is her husband’s terrible experience with the DTs! “Yep, this impoverished community is blighted both by widespread alcohol abuse and a lack of education on early childhood development!” thinks the town’s only doctor, as he laughs and laughs.